A message to my family…
I am always the strong one, lifting up others, healing them (emotionally, physically and energetically) yet today as I write this to you all… I am crumbling, falling apart at the seams, feeling both apathetic and defeated. I literally can’t stop crying. I am crying like a baby, like my best friend or parent has died. Like a lost little girl, what is happening to me? Lately I have been doing much emotional work and release. I generally feel back pain and neck pain, but it always subdues with some type of treatment, but nothing has worked. I feel as though I am releasing pain for the whole state of California, The United States, and the entire planet of Gaia. At times I feel as though I am releasing the pain for the Universe and beyond. My jaw is sore, I have holes in my mouth, knots all over my neck and back, HUGE knots…like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Yet I have been eating healthier than ever, been more active than ever, taking less and less medications, a pack of cigarettes used to last me a day, now I have one for a week, I even have some pain medications that I’ve had in a drawer for months & I won’t take it. Medications of any kind make me very sick; I get nauseous and spin as though I am drunk, I haven’t had a drink in 8 years either. I am almost completely chemical free. So to me whether the pain goes away or not, the side effects far outweigh the positive. Not to mention as a healer, massage therapist and Reiki practitioner, I know that things of this substance are merely band aids that mask or mimic relief but do not heal the body.
I went to get a shiatsu massage today and I actually feel worse. I can’t sit, stand, lie down or stay still at all. I am constantly shaking, twitching, and doubled over as though I have Parkinsons. The man at the shiatsu place said I have the skin, face and body of a teenager, but inside, my bones, muscles and emotional soul are very, very old. The pain at night is intensified, I find myself rolling on the floor half of the time & there is no relief. Hot baths soaking with Epsom & Sea salts, essential oils, compresses, cold showers, ice packs, heat packs, stretching, yoga, massage, steaming, Tiger balm, Icy hot, Aleve, Ibuprofen,,, nothing, nothing works. I haven’t been able to take a deep breath in 3 days. This makes meditation impossible. I have heard that many of us are changing to a crystalline structure, but this is soooo severe. I feel terrible I haven't been able to even cook for my daughter, spend time with her or even walk my dog in days. I feel like I am abandoning them…I don't want to be dramatic, or scare them, so I try to tone down my agony... But they both seem very afraid. I don't want to scare them. I don’t want them to be afraid as though their mother is not in control. They are both empaths and it is impossible for me to hide this from them. I feel I am doing this for myself and the good of all… I know I can do this and get through this stronger, but today I pray for a little relief from my friends and family. I haven't been able to work in days and am so far behind in bills, I haven’t been able to pay even half of this month’s rent and the next months is due in ten days. I am in over my head. I feel like I am blaming and complaining and wouldn't want to be around me... I hate to ask for help, but Oh how I need help at this time. I was reminded that If I need help then I should simply ask my angels, so this is what I am doing. Please send prayers for myself and my family and if anyone is a gifted distance healer, I desperately need healing all the way down my spine, neck and back. I cannot stand or sit up, so my posture is awful, the spinal fluid is dormant, stagnant, blocked… I can visualize and feel it. I feel this is a huge turning point for myself and for us all. I must accept and realize that it is ok to ask for help. I will continue to release guilt, blame, hurts and fears emotionally. But it would be wonderful to know that I have my family members out there helping just a little more, having my back with a little extra boost of love, support and healing. I love you all. I appreciate any and all help sent my way, and as always,,, when I am back to my usual self, will gladly do the same for all who have helped me through this time. Blessings and Hope to all of you. Even at times like this, I feel so proud and blessed to know people like you. I am humbled in your presence.
With Ever-So Much Love…
P.S. I have a donation button through PayPal, if anyone can offer assistance; even a dollar would be fantastic. With my rent and bills piling up and no child support or assistance, I am the sole provider for my family and my usual means of income is by doing healings. However, until I am healed and strong enough I am unable to do even that. I appreciate any help at all; The donation button is in the left hand column of my blog, under my profile.
*PayPal donation email if button doesn’t work: firstname.lastname@example.org
P.P.S. I also ask, that if you are not familiar with distance healing, that you only send prayers. I am so sensitive and if the energy sent is even slightly unbalanced, it may have a reverse effect. I weep again, because I already feel the love and support I have out there.